Let’s face the hard truth – we can’t change other people. I don’t know about you, but I’ve spent WAY too much time trying to help “fix” others, so the good news is, we all get to drop THAT ball, and spend our time where we can make a difference. Here are some ways to feed your relationships instead of tearing them apart.
Give appreciation generously! I like the way you……Thanks for helping out with…..I was so impressed by the way you……You look really nice today…..Thanks for being such a great….. Here’s a good rule of thumb, give at least 5 positive bits of feedback for every one negative.
Model the way you wish to be treated.
Say what’s true for you, respectfully, and choose what is really important. If someone hurts your feelings, try saying “ouch, that hurts,” instead of lashing back. Ask for what you want. Stick to I messages. Learn to say no, that doesn’t work for me. Choose your issues. If something like a sock on the floor gets you fired up, shift your focus onto something that makes you feel good. It’s not worth poking at people for every little thing.
Apologize sincerely. A real apology goes a long way to build trust . I’m sorry might be all you need. If a real trust has been broken, intended or not, own it, acknowledge the impact and express your true apology. I feel ashamed when I hurt anyone deeply, and it seems easier to avoid or excuse it, but the real repair comes through ownership and apology.
When you disagree, try saying, yes….and, instead of no…but. We all disagree with people on a fairly regular basis. Find the thing you agree on (say the outcome), then listen and hear the other point of view. Use the gap to get creative on a win-win.
Take care of yourself! Feed your own spirit, and you will have more to give and appreciate in others.
Remember: Nobody gets to be wrong and everybody gets to be partially right.
Please join the conversation below by adding the ways that you feed the best in your relationships I look forward to reading and responding to you!
With love, Cricket
I learned a little to late about constantly defending myself with a “You always…” or a “You never…”. which only set things up for a defense and then I never got thru to the heart of the matter. I have since learned that a better approach is ” When X happened, it made me feel like…” I think the difference was coming from my feelings, which I own and no one else can say “You don’t feel that way” when I do. And that makes the conversation not start from an attacking point of view.
I thought I might be more clear with what I was saying above, with an example: “You never take me out!” (I’m sure you can imagine what the response could be… “I do too!” “No you don’t”! and the battle begins…) Instead I’ve learned: “When we don’t go out as much as we did before, I feel like I’m not as desirable as I used to be. It hurts my feelings and I start doubting myself.”
Great common sense here. Wish I’d thghout of that.